By JOSE ANTonIO VARGAS
Published: June 22, 2011


One August morning nearly two decades ago, my mother woke me and put me in a cab. She handed me a jacket. “Baka malamig doon” were among the few words she said. (“It might be cold there.”) When I arrived at the Philippines’ Ninoy Aquino International Airport with her, my aunt and a family friend, I was introduced to a man I’d never seen. They told me he was my uncle. He held my hand as I boarded an airplane for the first time. It was 1993, and I was 12.
大約20年前的一個(gè)8月清晨，母親把我搖醒送上車,，塞給我一件外套,，叮囑道“那邊可能會(huì)很冷。”她和嬸姨以及我們的一個(gè)家族朋友把我?guī)У椒坡少e尼諾阿奎諾國(guó)際機(jī)場(chǎng),，并把我介紹給一個(gè)陌生人,，說(shuō)是我叔叔。叔叔牽著我的手登機(jī),，這是我平生第一次坐上大飛機(jī),。那是1993年，我12歲,。


My mother wanted to give me a better life, so she sent me thousands of miles away to live with her parents in America — my grandfather (Lolo in Tagalog) and grandmother (Lola). After I arrived in Mountain View, Calif., in the San Francisco Bay Area, I entered sixth grade and quickly grew to love my new home, family and culture. I discovered a passion for language, though it was hard to learn the difference between formal English and American slang. One of my early memories is of a freckled kid in middle school asking me, “What'sup ? ” I replied, “The sky,” and he and a couple of other kids laughed. I won the eighth-grade spelling bee by memorizing words I couldn’t properly pronounce. (The winning word was “indefatigable.”)
母親想給我一個(gè)更好的生活,，所以她把我送到萬(wàn)里之外的美國(guó)，去和她父母,，也就是我爺爺（Lolo）和奶奶（Lola）同住,。于是我來(lái)到了舊金山的山景城，在那邊讀6年紀(jì),，并很快的愛(ài)上了我的新屋子,，新家庭和新文化。盡管分不清標(biāo)準(zhǔn)英語(yǔ)和美國(guó)俚語(yǔ),，但我發(fā)現(xiàn)我對(duì)語(yǔ)言非常著迷,。我還記得當(dāng)年有個(gè)滿臉雀斑的中學(xué)生在跟我打招呼時(shí)說(shuō)，“干哈??？”（直譯：上面是啥），我回他,，“是天啊”,，他和其他孩子大笑,。后來(lái)我還贏得過(guò)8年紀(jì)的拼寫比賽，很多詞我都念不準(zhǔn),，但都知道怎么拼,。（決定勝負(fù)的最后一個(gè)單詞是“不屈不饒”。）


One day when I was 16, I rode my bike to the nearby D.M.V. office to get my driver’s permit. Some of my friends already had their licenses, so I figured it was time. But when I handed the clerk my green card as proof of U.S. residency, she flipped it around, examining it. “This is fake,” she whispered. “Don’t come back here again.”
16歲那年,，我騎著自行車到附近的DMV辦公室取駕照,。當(dāng)時(shí)朋友中有很多已經(jīng)有駕照了，所以我覺(jué)得也是時(shí)候了,。但是,，當(dāng)我把我的綠卡交給辦事員以證明我是美國(guó)居民時(shí)，她把綠卡翻來(lái)覆去的檢查著,。“這是假的,，”她說(shuō)“別再來(lái)了。”


Confused and scared, I pedaled home and confronted Lolo. I remember him sitting in the garage, cutting coupons. I dropped my bike and ran over to him, showing him the green card. “Peke ba ito?” I asked in Tagalog. (“Is this fake?”) My grandparents were naturalized American citizens — he worked as a security guard, she as a food server — and they had begun supporting my mother and me financially when I was 3, after my father’s wandering eye and inability to properly provide for us led to my parents’ separation. Lolo was a proud man, and I saw the shame on his face as he told me he purchased the card, along with other fake documents, for me. “Don’t show it to other people,” he warned.
我感到既苦惱又害怕,，踏上自行車回家質(zhì)問(wèn)爺爺,。我記得他當(dāng)時(shí)在車庫(kù)里坐著剪購(gòu)物卷。我把自行車一摔,，跑過(guò)去把綠卡伸到他眼前,，“這是假的嗎？”我用Tagalog語(yǔ)問(wèn)他,。我的爺爺奶奶是個(gè)土生土長(zhǎng)的美國(guó)人——爺爺是保全,，奶奶是全職主婦——從我3歲時(shí)起就開始資助我母親和我了,，當(dāng)時(shí)母親因?yàn)楦赣H整天游手好閑,，沒(méi)有能力照顧家庭而與他離了婚。爺爺是個(gè)很有自尊心的人,，他臉上全是愧疚,，他告訴我卡是他買的,，還有其他假證件，都是為我買的,。“別給別人看,，”他警告到。


I decided then that I could never give anyone reason to doubt I was an American. I convinced myself that if I worked enough, if I achieved enough, I would be rewarded with citizenship. I felt I could earn it.
從那時(shí)起我決定不再給任何人理由來(lái)懷疑我是美國(guó)人,。我告訴自己只要努力工作,，有所成就，我就也可以獲得公民身份,，我能行的,。


I’ve tried. Over the past 14 years, I’ve graduated from high school and college and built a career as a journalist, interviewing some of the most famous people in the country. On the surface, I’ve created a good life. I’ve lived the American dream.
我的確嘗試過(guò)。在過(guò)去的14年里,，我順利的從高中和大學(xué)畢業(yè),，成為一名記者,，采訪過(guò)許多知名人士。表面上,，我過(guò)得很好,。我活在美國(guó)夢(mèng)里。


But I am still an undocumented immigrant. And that means living a different kind of reality. It means going about my day in fear of being found out. It means rarely trusting people, even those closest to me, with who I really am. It means keeping my family photos in a shoebox rather than displaying them on shelves in my home, so friends don’t ask about them. It means reluctantly, even painfully, doing things I know are wrong and unlawful. And it has meant relying on a sort of 21st-century underground railroad of supporters, people who took an interest in my future and took risks for me.
但我仍舊是一名非法移民,。這意味著另一種全然不同的人生現(xiàn)實(shí)，比如每天擔(dān)心被人發(fā)現(xiàn),；比如不能相信他人,，即使是在真實(shí)生活中與我很親近的人；比如要把家庭照片藏在鞋盒子里,，而不能放在家里的書架上展示,，這樣朋友來(lái)了才不會(huì)多問(wèn)；比如極不情愿的,，甚至非常痛苦的做一些明知道是錯(cuò)的和違法的事,；還意味著必須依靠他人，比如那些在暗中支持我的人,，他們看好我的未來(lái),，也替我冒了許多風(fēng)險(xiǎn)。


Last year I read about four students who walked from Miami to Washington to lobby for the Dream Act, a nearly decade-old immigration bill that would provide a path to legal permanent residency for young people who have been educated in this country. At the risk of deportation — the Obama administration has deported almost 800,000 people in the last two years — they are speaking out. Their courage has inspired me.
去年我獲悉有四名學(xué)生從邁阿密出發(fā),，前往華盛頓游說(shuō)所謂的夢(mèng)想法案,。該移民法案出臺(tái)已將近10年，旨在為那些在美國(guó)接受教育的年輕人提供合法的永久居住權(quán),。冒著被驅(qū)逐出境的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)——奧巴馬政府在過(guò)去兩年內(nèi)已經(jīng)驅(qū)逐了近80萬(wàn)人——他們要發(fā)出自己的聲音,。他們的勇氣鼓舞了我。


There are believed to be 11 million undocumented immigrants in the United States. We’re not always who you think we are. Some pick your strawberries or care for your children. Some are in high school or college. And some, it turns out, write news articles you might read. I grew up here. This is my home. Yet even though I think of myself as an American and consider America my country, my country doesn’t think of me as one of its own.
據(jù)估計(jì),，全美大約有1千1百萬(wàn)名非法移民,。我們有時(shí)并不是你平時(shí)所認(rèn)識(shí)的那個(gè)人。我們有些人跟你一起摘過(guò)草莓或幫你照看過(guò)孩子,。有些人在上高中或大學(xué),。還有些人，后來(lái),，在寫你所讀多的新聞報(bào)道,。我在這里長(zhǎng)大，這里是我的家,。但盡管我覺(jué)得自己是美國(guó)人,，把美國(guó)當(dāng)成自己的祖國(guó)，但我的祖國(guó)并不這么看,。

My first challenge was the language. Though I learned English in the Philippines, I wanted to lose my accent. During high school, I spent hours at a time watching television (especially “Frasier,” “Home Improvement” and reruns of “The Golden Girls”) and movies (from “Goodfellas” to “Anne of Green Gables”), pausing the VHS to try to copy how various characters enunciated their words. At the local library, I read magazines, books and newspapers — anything to learn how to write better. Kathy Dewar, my high-school English teacher, introduced me to journalism. From the moment I wrote my first article for the student paper, I convinced myself that having my name in print — writing in English, interviewing Americans — validated my presence here.
語(yǔ)言是我遇到的第一個(gè)挑戰(zhàn),。盡管我在菲律賓學(xué)過(guò)英語(yǔ),，但我想把口音改掉。在上高中時(shí),，我曾經(jīng)一次要看好幾個(gè)小時(shí)的電視（尤其是“歡樂(lè)一家親”,，“家具裝飾”這樣的節(jié)目，還有“黃金女郎”的重播）和電影（“好家伙”到“清秀佳人”）,，然后按暫停鍵,，試著模仿不同角色說(shuō)話。我還會(huì)去圖書館看報(bào)刊雜志和各種書籍——任何能提高寫作能力的讀物都看,。我的高中英語(yǔ)老師——凱斯則讓我接觸到了記者這一行當(dāng),。當(dāng)我第一次為學(xué)生報(bào)紙撰稿時(shí)，我告訴自己,，能在出版物上署名——用英語(yǔ)寫文章,，還采訪美國(guó)人——可以讓我在這里的存在變得合法起來(lái)。


The debates over “illegal aliens” intensified my anxieties. In 1994, only a year after my flight from the Philippines, Gov. Pete Wilson was re-elected in part because of his support for Proposition 187, which prohibited undocumented immigrants from attending public school and accessing other services. (A federal court later found the law unconstitutional.) After my encounter at the D.M.V. in 1997, I grew more aware of anti-immigrant sentiments and stereotypes: they don’t want to assimilate, they are a drain on society. They’re not talking about me, I would tell myself. I have something to contribute.
關(guān)于“非法外國(guó)移民”的辯論加劇了我的擔(dān)憂,。1994年,，也就是我從菲律賓到美國(guó)后剛過(guò)一年，皮特威爾遜就因公開支持187提案而被重選入黨,，該提案禁止非法移民去公共學(xué)校上學(xué),，其他一些權(quán)益也同被禁止。（一聯(lián)邦法院后來(lái)發(fā)現(xiàn)該提案不符合憲法,。）在1997年DMV的駕照事件后,，我更加認(rèn)識(shí)到了所謂的反移民情緒和觀念：那些移民不想被同化，他們只是社會(huì)負(fù)累,。但我告訴自己,，這不是在說(shuō)我。我是（可以對(duì)社會(huì)）有貢獻(xiàn)的人,。


To do that, I had to work — and for that, I needed a Social Security number. Fortunately, my grandfather had already managed to get one for me. Lolo had always taken care of everyone in the family. He and my grandmother emigrated legally in 1984 from Zambales, a province in the Philippines of rice fields and bamboo houses­, following Lolo’s sister, who married a Filipino-American serving in the American military. She petitioned for her brother and his wife to join her. When they got here, Lolo petitioned for his two children — my mother and her younger brother — to follow them. But instead of mentioning that my mother was a married woman, he listed her as single. Legal residents can’t petition for their married children. Besides, Lolo didn’t care for my father. He didn’t want him coming here too.
要做到這點(diǎn),，我必須工作——為此，我需要一個(gè)社保號(hào),。幸運(yùn)的是,，我爺爺已經(jīng)幫我弄到了一個(gè)。他總是在照顧著家里的每一個(gè)人,。他和奶奶是1984年跟著他的姐姐從菲律賓的贊布勒省,，這個(gè)盛產(chǎn)大米和竹屋的地方合法移民到美國(guó)來(lái)的。爺爺?shù)慕憬惝?dāng)時(shí)嫁給了一個(gè)菲裔美國(guó)軍人,。她為自己的弟弟和弟媳申請(qǐng)親屬移民,。當(dāng)他們到美國(guó)后，爺爺又申請(qǐng)讓他的兩個(gè)孩子——我母親和她弟弟——也過(guò)來(lái)。但當(dāng)時(shí)爺爺填表時(shí)沒(méi)有寫母親已婚,，而是填了單身,。因?yàn)榫用癫坏脼橐鸦樽优暾?qǐng)親屬移民。另外,，爺爺并不管我父親,，不想讓他也跟過(guò)來(lái)。


But soon Lolo grew nervous that the immigration authorities reviewing the petition would discover my mother was married, thus derailing not only her chances of coming here but those of my uncle as well. So he withdrew her petition. After my uncle came to America legally in 1991, Lolo tried to get my mother here through a tourist visa, but she wasn’t able to obtain one. That’s when she decided to send me. My mother told me later that she figured she would follow me soon. She never did.
但是不久,，爺爺開始擔(dān)心移民局審查申請(qǐng)時(shí)會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我母親其實(shí)已婚,，這不但會(huì)毀掉她來(lái)美國(guó)的機(jī)會(huì)，連我舅舅也來(lái)不成了,。因此他退回了申請(qǐng),。舅舅1991年移居美國(guó)后，爺爺還試圖通過(guò)旅游簽讓母親過(guò)來(lái),，但還是申請(qǐng)不下來(lái),。也就是在那時(shí),，母親決定讓我過(guò)去,。她后來(lái)告訴我，她很快也會(huì)過(guò)來(lái)跟我團(tuán)聚的,。但她從沒(méi)來(lái)過(guò),。


The “uncle” who brought me here turned out to be a coyote, not a relative, my grandfather later explained. Lolo scraped together enough money — I eventually learned it was $4,500, a huge sum for him — to pay him to smuggle me here under a fake name and fake passport. (I never saw the passport again after the flight and have always assumed that the coyote kept it.) After I arrived in America, Lolo obtained a new fake Filipino passport, in my real name this time, adorned with a fake student visa, in addition to the fraudulent green card.
把我?guī)н^(guò)來(lái)的那位“叔叔”其實(shí)是人蛇，不是我親戚,。這是爺爺后來(lái)才跟我講的,。他攢夠了錢——我最后才知道是4千5百刀，對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)是很大一筆數(shù)目了——就交給了那個(gè)人,，請(qǐng)他把我偷渡到美國(guó)來(lái),，用假的姓名，假的護(hù)照,。（下飛機(jī)后我就再?zèng)]見過(guò)那本護(hù)照,，我一直認(rèn)為是那個(gè)人蛇扣下了。）到美國(guó)后,，爺爺幫我弄了一個(gè)新的假菲裔護(hù)照,，這次是用我的真名，同時(shí)還有一個(gè)假的學(xué)生簽證,，及偽造的綠卡,。


Using the fake passport, we went to the local Social Security Administration office and applied for a Social Security number and card. It was, I remember, a quick visit. When the card came in the mail, it had my full, real name, but it also clearly stated: “Valid for work only with I.N.S. authorization.”
我們用假的護(hù)照，到當(dāng)?shù)厣绫＞稚暾?qǐng)社保號(hào)和社?？?。我還記得，我們當(dāng)時(shí)進(jìn)出很迅速。社?？ㄊ青]寄過(guò)來(lái)的,，上邊有我真實(shí)的全名，但也清楚的寫著：“僅在移民局授權(quán)許可后,，方可工作,。”


When I began looking for work, a short time after the D.M.V. incident, my grandfather and I took the Social Security card to Kinko’s, wher he covered the “I.N.S. authorization” text with a sliver of white tape. We then made photocopies of the card. At a glance, at least, the copies would look like copies of a regular, unrestricted Social Security card.
DMV駕照事件后我開始找工作，爺爺和我?guī)е绫,？ㄈフ医鹂扑麄兗?，金科?huì)用一種銀白色膠條把卡上的“移民局授權(quán)許可”字樣遮蓋掉。然后影印副本,。咋一看,，副本跟一般的非限制社保卡差不多,。


Lolo always imagined I would work the kind of low-paying jobs that undocumented people often take. (once I married an American, he said, I would get my real papers, and everything would be fine.) But even menial jobs require documents, so he and I hoped the doctored card would work for now. The more documents I had, he said, the better.
爺爺一直覺(jué)得我會(huì)像其他非法移民一樣從事低薪工作,。（他說(shuō)，只要我一結(jié)婚,，就可以獲得真證件,，一切就都會(huì)好起來(lái)。）但即使是當(dāng)雜役也需要證件,，所以他和我當(dāng)時(shí)只能寄希望于那個(gè)改動(dòng)過(guò)的社?？苡杏谩Ｋf(shuō),，我的證件越多越好,。


While in high school, I worked part time at Subway, then at the front desk of the local Y.M.C.A., then at a tennis club, until I landed an unpaid internship at The Mountain View Voice, my hometown newspaper. First I brought coffee and helped around the office; eventually I began covering city-hall meetings and other assignments for pay.
我在上高中時(shí)便開始打工，先在地鐵里,，然后當(dāng)?shù)豗MCA（基督教青年會(huì),當(dāng)年就是這個(gè)協(xié)會(huì)發(fā)明了現(xiàn)代排球）前臺(tái),，網(wǎng)球俱樂(lè)部，直到我在家鄉(xiāng)的報(bào)社,，山景之音,，找到一份無(wú)薪實(shí)習(xí)。一開始我只是幫人買咖啡,，打打下手,，后來(lái)我開始負(fù)責(zé)報(bào)道市政廳的會(huì)議和其他有薪酬的工作。


For more than a decade of getting part-time and full-time jobs, employers have rarely asked to check my original Social Security card. When they did, I showed the photocopied version, which they accepted. Over time, I also began checking the citizenship box on my federal I-9 employment eligibility forms. (Claiming full citizenship was actually easier than declaring permanent resident “green card” status, which would have required me to provide an alien registration number.)
因?yàn)橛?0年多的兼職和全職工作經(jīng)歷,，雇主一般不會(huì)要求檢查我的社?？āＫ麄円闀r(shí),，我就給他們看影印本,，也能過(guò)關(guān)。另外，我也開始檢查我的1-9號(hào)雇傭資格審核表的公民權(quán)益一欄（聲稱自己有完全公民權(quán),，就不用再提交外國(guó)人登記號(hào)了,，這比說(shuō)自己有永久居住“綠卡”還要方便。）


This deceit never got easier. The more I did it, the more I felt like an impostor, the more guilt I carried — and the more I worried that I would get caught. But I kept doing it. I needed to live and survive on my own, and I decided this was the way.
這種欺詐再簡(jiǎn)單不過(guò),。我做的越多,，越覺(jué)得自己像騙子，越覺(jué)得內(nèi)疚——也越擔(dān)心會(huì)被抓住,。但我還是繼續(xù)這么做,，我需要生活，要靠自己生存下去,，只能決定這么干了,。


Mountain View High School became my second home. I was elected to represent my school at school-board meetings, which gave me the chance to meet and befriend Rich Fischer, the superintendent for our school district. I joined the speech and debate team, acted in school plays and eventually became co-editor of The Oracle, the student newspaper. That drew the attention of my principal, Pat Hyland. “You’re at school just as much as I am,” she told me. Pat and Rich would soon become mentors, and over time, almost surrogate parents for me.
山景高中成了我的第二個(gè)家。我被選為學(xué)校代表,，參加校董會(huì),，這讓我結(jié)識(shí)了我們校區(qū)的院長(zhǎng)理查費(fèi)舍爾。我參加了演講組和辯論隊(duì),，在學(xué)校表演話劇,，最后還成為學(xué)生報(bào)紙，The Oracle的聯(lián)合編輯,。這引起了校長(zhǎng)派特海蘭德的關(guān)注,，“你在學(xué)校的時(shí)間幾乎跟我一樣多,，”她對(duì)我說(shuō),。派特和理查很快成了我的導(dǎo)師，課余時(shí)間更幾乎是我的代理父母,。


After a choir rehearsal during my junior year, Jill Denny, the choir director, told me she was considering a Japan trip for our singing group. I told her I couldn’t afford it, but she said we’d figure out a way. I hesitated, and then decided to tell her the truth. “It’s not really the money,” I remember saying. “I don’t have the right passport.” When she assured me we’d get the proper documents, I finally told her. “I can’t get the right passport,” I said. “I’m not supposed to be here.”
高一時(shí),，合唱團(tuán)團(tuán)長(zhǎng)吉爾丹尼告訴我，正考慮在彩排結(jié)束后帶我們?nèi)ト毡狙莩?。我說(shuō)我沒(méi)錢去,，但她說(shuō)她會(huì)想辦法。我猶豫了,，然后決定告訴她真相,。“其實(shí)不是錢的問(wèn)題，”我還記得是這么說(shuō)的,，“我沒(méi)有有效護(hù)照,。”當(dāng)她向我保證會(huì)取得有效證件時(shí)，我終于忍不住告訴她,，“我拿不到有效護(hù)照,，”我說(shuō)，“我根本就不應(yīng)該在這里。”


She understood. So the choir toured Hawaii instead, with me in tow. (Mrs. Denny and I spoke a couple of months ago, and she told me she hadn’t wanted to leave any student behind.)
她明白了,。于是合唱團(tuán)改道去了夏威夷,，我也隨隊(duì)出行。（丹尼女士和我?guī)讉€(gè)月前談過(guò),，她說(shuō)她不想讓任何一個(gè)學(xué)生掉隊(duì),。）


Later that school year, my history class watched a documentary on Harvey Milk, the openly gay San Francisco city official who was assassinated. This was 1999, just six months after Matthew Shepard’s body was found tied to a fence in Wyoming. During the discussion, I raised my hand and said something like: “I’m sorry Harvey Milk got killed for being gay. . . . I’ve been meaning to say this. . . . I’m gay.”
后來(lái)，在同一年,，我們?cè)跉v史課上觀看了哈維米爾克的紀(jì)錄片,，他是一名公開同志身份的舊金山市政廳公務(wù)員，于1999年被暗殺,。事情就發(fā)生在馬修謝巴德的尸體被發(fā)現(xiàn)的半年后,，當(dāng)時(shí)馬修被捆綁在懷俄明某處的籬笆上。在課堂討論時(shí),，我舉手說(shuō)了如下的話：“哈維被殺僅是因?yàn)樗峭?，我為此感到難過(guò)……我想說(shuō)的是……我是同志。”


I hadn’t planned on coming out that morning, though I had known that I was gay for several years. With that announcement, I became the only openly gay student at school, and it caused turmoil with my grandparents. Lolo kicked me out of the house for a few weeks. Though we eventually reconciled, I had disappointed him on two fronts. First, as a Catholic, he considered homosexuality a sin and was embarrassed about having “ang apo na bakla” (“a grandson who is gay”). Even worse, I was making matters more difficult for myself, he said. I needed to marry an American woman in order to gain a green card.
我并沒(méi)想到要在那天早上出柜,，盡管我早已知道自己是同志,。那以后，我成了學(xué)校了唯一公開身份的同志,，這也給爺爺帶來(lái)了困擾,。爺爺把我趕出家門長(zhǎng)達(dá)幾周。盡管最終我們和好,，但我在兩件事情上還是讓他失望了,。第一件就是，作為天主教教徒,，同性戀是有罪的,，“孫子是同志”是件不光彩的事。他還說(shuō),，更糟的是,，我把自己的處境變得更難了，我是需要與一名美國(guó)女人結(jié)婚才能獲得綠卡的,。


Tough as it was, coming out about being gay seemed less daunting than coming out about my legal status. I kept my other secret mostly hidden.
盡管如此,，承認(rèn)自己的同志身份似乎比承認(rèn)自己的法律身份要容易一點(diǎn)。我把另外這個(gè)秘密深藏起來(lái),。


While my classmates awaited their college acceptance letters, I hoped to get a full-time job at The Mountain View Voice after graduation. It’s not that I didn’t want to go to college, but I couldn’t apply for state and federal financial aid. Without that, my family couldn’t afford to send me.
當(dāng)同學(xué)們?cè)诘却髮W(xué)通知書時(shí),，我在期盼著畢業(yè)后能在"山景之音"全職工作。不是我不想上大學(xué),，是我沒(méi)法申請(qǐng)國(guó)家或州政府的財(cái)務(wù)補(bǔ)助,。沒(méi)有補(bǔ)助,，家里供不起我上大學(xué)。


But when I finally told Pat and Rich about my immigration “problem” — as we called it from then on — they helped me look for a solution. At first, they even wondered if one of them could adopt me and fix the situation that way, but a lawyer Rich consulted told him it wouldn’t change my legal status because I was too old. Eventually they connected me to a new scholarship fund for high-potential students who were usually the first in their families to attend college. Most important, the fund was not concerned with immigration status. I was among the first recipients, with the scholarship covering tuition, lodging, books and other expenses for my studies at San Francisco State University.
但當(dāng)我最終向派特和理查坦承我的移民“問(wèn)題”后——我們之后都用“問(wèn)題”這兩個(gè)字——他們一起幫我找解決辦法,。起初,，他們甚至想通過(guò)領(lǐng)養(yǎng)我來(lái)改變情況，但律師告訴理查,，這樣改變不了我的法律身份,，因?yàn)槲夷昙o(jì)太大。最后,，他們幫我聯(lián)系到一家新成立的獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金基金,，該基金旨在幫助那些家庭里第一個(gè)上大學(xué)的有天賦的學(xué)生。最重要的是,，這個(gè)獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金是不考慮移民身份問(wèn)題的,。我成了該基金的首批獲益者之一，它幫我支付了舊金山國(guó)立大學(xué)的學(xué)費(fèi),，住宿費(fèi),，書本和其他開銷。


As a college freshman, I found a job working part time at The San Francisco Chronicle, wher I sorted mail and wrote some freelance articles. My ambition was to get a reporting job, so I embarked on a series of internships. First I landed at The Philadelphia Daily News, in the summer of 2001, wher I covered a drive-by shooting and the wedding of the 76ers star Allen Iverson. Using those articles, I applied to The Seattle Times and got an internship for the following summer.
大學(xué)第一年,，我在《舊金山記事》雜志社找到一份兼職工作,，幫人分發(fā)郵件，順帶寫些文章,。我的目標(biāo)是成為報(bào)道記者,，因此我做過(guò)許多實(shí)習(xí)工作。首先是在費(fèi)城日?qǐng)?bào),，那是2001年夏天,，我報(bào)道了一起飛車槍擊案，還有76人隊(duì)的明星球員亞倫艾弗森的婚禮,。憑著這些文章,，我那年夏天又繼續(xù)申請(qǐng)到《西雅圖時(shí)代》實(shí)習(xí),。


But then my lack of proper documents became a problem again. The Times’s recruiter, Pat Foote, asked all incoming interns to bring certain paperwork on their first day: a birth certificate, or a passport, or a driver’s license plus an original Social Security card. I panicked, thinking my documents wouldn’t pass muster. So before starting the job, I called Pat and told her about my legal status. After consulting with management, she called me back with the answer I feared: I couldn’t do the internship.
但我的證件問(wèn)題又出現(xiàn)了,。《西雅圖時(shí)代》的招聘人員福特,，讓所有實(shí)習(xí)生在進(jìn)公司第一天就要帶齊相關(guān)證件：出生證明,，或護(hù)照，或駕照以及社?？ㄔ?。我害怕了，想到我的證件這回是過(guò)不了關(guān)了,。于是在工作開始前,，我給福特打了個(gè)電話,，告訴她我的法律身法。在咨詢過(guò)管理層后,，她給我回了電話,，她的回復(fù)也是我所害怕那個(gè)：我不能進(jìn)去實(shí)習(xí)。


This was devastating. What good was college if I couldn’t then pursue the career I wanted? I decided then that if I was to succeed in a profession that is all about truth-telling, I couldn’t tell the truth about myself.
這真是災(zāi)難啊,。如果我沒(méi)法獲得我想要的工作,，那上大學(xué)有什么用呢？于是我決定,，如果我要在這個(gè)說(shuō)真話的行當(dāng)里成功,，我就不能說(shuō)出關(guān)于自己的真話。


After this episode, Jim Strand, the venture capitalist who sponsored my scholarship, offered to pay for an immigration lawyer. Rich and I went to meet her in San Francisco’s financial district.
在這段插曲之后,，吉姆斯特蘭德,，支付我的獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金的風(fēng)投投資人為我請(qǐng)了一名移民律師。理查和我一起在舊金山的財(cái)務(wù)區(qū)與她會(huì)面,。


I was hopeful. This was in early 2002, shortly after Senators Orrin Hatch, the Utah Republican, and Dick Durbin, the Illinois Democrat, introduced the Dream Act — Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors. It seemed like the legislative version of what I’d told myself: If I work hard and contribute, things will work out.
我重新燃起了希望,。那是2002年初，猶他州共和黨員,，也是國(guó)會(huì)議員的奧林哈切,，和伊利諾伊州民主黨員迪克德賓剛剛提出了夢(mèng)想法案——關(guān)于外籍少數(shù)族群的發(fā)展，解禁和教育,。該法案就像是為我量身定做的,。如果我努力工作，有所貢獻(xiàn),，就一定能成功,。


But the meeting left me crushed. My only solution, the lawyer said, was to go back to the Philippines and accept a 10-year ban before I could apply to return legally.
但那次會(huì)面讓我崩潰了。律師說(shuō),，我唯一的解決辦法就是返回菲律賓,，而且要在10年禁期后才能重新申請(qǐng)回美國(guó)。


If Rich was discouraged, he hid it well. “Put this problem on a shelf,” he told me. “Compartmentalize it. Keep going.”
如果理查當(dāng)時(shí)也被打擊到了的話,，那他掩藏的很好,。他對(duì)我說(shuō)“把這問(wèn)題先擱置一邊，不管它,，繼續(xù)走下去,。”

And I did. For the summer of 2003, I applied for internships across the country. Several newspapers, including The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe and The Chicago Tribune, expressed interest. But when The Washington Post offered me a spot, I knew wher I would go. And this time, I had no intention of acknowledging my “problem.”
我照做了。2003年的夏天,，我找遍全美國(guó)的實(shí)習(xí)機(jī)會(huì),。其中有一些報(bào)社，包括華爾街日?qǐng)?bào),，波斯頓全球報(bào)和芝加哥論壇報(bào)都對(duì)我表示了興趣,。但當(dāng)華盛頓郵報(bào)向我伸出橄欖枝時(shí),，我知道我該去哪了。這一次,，我不打算坦白我的“問(wèn)題”,。


The Post internship posed a tricky obstacle: It required a driver’s license. (After my close call at the California D.M.V., I’d never gotten one.) So I spent an afternoon at The Mountain View Public Library, studying various states’ requirements. Oregon was among the most welcoming — and it was just a few hours’ drive north.
郵報(bào)的實(shí)習(xí)其實(shí)也有一個(gè)不小的障礙：它要求有駕照。（我給芝加哥DMV打過(guò)電話,，他們說(shuō)我是拿不到駕照的,。）于是我花了一下午時(shí)間，在山景公共圖書館研究各州法規(guī),。發(fā)現(xiàn)俄勒岡州是最開放的——而且離這僅幾個(gè)小時(shí)的車程,。


Again, my support network came through. A friend’s father lived in Portland, and he allowed me to use his address as proof of residency. Pat, Rich and Rich’s longtime assistant, Mary Moore, sent letters to me at that address. Rich taught me how to do three-point turns in a parking lot, and a friend accompanied me to Portland.
我背后的支持網(wǎng)又一次發(fā)揮了作用。一個(gè)朋友的父親住在波特蘭,，答應(yīng)讓我用他的住址做居住證明,。派特，理查和理查的長(zhǎng)期助理瑪麗摩爾,，用那個(gè)地址給我寄信,。理查還教我停進(jìn)車位三要點(diǎn)，還有一個(gè)朋友陪我去了波特蘭,。


The license meant everything to me — it would let me drive, fly and work. But my grandparents worried about the Portland trip and the Washington internship. While Lola offered daily prayers so that I would not get caught, Lolo told me that I was dreaming too big, risking too much.
駕照就是我的一切——它讓我可以開車,，搭飛機(jī)和工作。但爺爺對(duì)我去波特蘭和到華盛頓實(shí)習(xí)表示擔(dān)心,。奶奶則每天為我祈禱,，希望我不要被抓住。爺爺說(shuō)我夢(mèng)想得到的太多,，風(fēng)險(xiǎn)太大了,。


I was determined to pursue my ambitions. I was 22, I told them, responsible for my own actions. But this was different from Lolo’s driving a confused teenager to Kinko’s. I knew what I was doing now, and I knew it wasn’t right. But what was I supposed to do?
而我已經(jīng)下定決心去實(shí)現(xiàn)理想。我當(dāng)時(shí)22歲,，我告訴他們,，我可以自己對(duì)自己負(fù)責(zé)。但這跟過(guò)去爺爺把懵懂的我,，開車送到金科家是兩回事,。我知道我在做什么，我知道它不對(duì),，但我還能怎么辦呢,？


I was paying state and federal taxes, but I was using an invalid Social Security card and writing false information on my employment forms. But that seemed better than depending on my grandparents or on Pat, Rich and Jim — or returning to a country I barely remembered. I convinced myself all would be O.K. if I lived up to the qualities of a “citizen”: hard work, self-reliance, love of my country.
我繳納國(guó)家和州的稅款，但我用的非法社?？ǎ蛡蚩ㄉ系男畔⒁彩羌俚??？墒?，這也比依靠爺爺奶奶，或派特,，理查和吉姆,，——或回到一個(gè)我已經(jīng)記不清的國(guó)家——要好的多。我對(duì)自己說(shuō),，只要努力成為一個(gè)合格的“公民”：努力工作,，自食其力，熱愛(ài)國(guó)家,，那么一切都會(huì)OK的,。


At the D.M.V. in Portland, I arrived with my photocopied Social Security card, my college I.D., a pay stub from The San Francisco Chronicle and my proof of state residence — the letters to the Portland address that my support network had sent. It worked. My license, issued in 2003, was set to expire eight years later, on my 30th birthday, on Feb. 3, 2011. I had eight years to succeed professionally, and to hope that some sort of immigration reform would pass in the meantime and allow me to stay.
我?guī)е坝〉纳绫？?，大學(xué)證,，《舊金山記事》的工資卡，以及居住證明——寄往我在波特蘭的假地址的那些信件,，到了波特蘭的DMV,。成功了。我的駕照,，2003年簽發(fā),，8年后也就是2011年2月3日我30歲生日時(shí)到期。我有8年事件干事業(yè),，并期待著這期間移民法能進(jìn)行某些改革,，讓我得以繼續(xù)留下來(lái)。


It seemed like all the time in the world.
當(dāng)時(shí),，感覺(jué)就像得到了全世界,。


My summer in Washington was exhilarating. I was intimidated to be in a major newsroom but was assigned a mentor — Peter Perl, a veteran magazine writer — to help me navigate it. A few weeks into the internship, he printed out one of my articles, about a guy who recovered a long-lost wallet, circled the first two paragraphs and left it on my desk. “Great eye for details — awesome!” he wrote. Though I didn’t know it then, Peter would become one more member of my network.
在華盛頓的那個(gè)夏天是激動(dòng)人心的。我被迫坐到一間大的新聞室里,，但也有了一名導(dǎo)師——皮特,，一名資深的雜志作家——來(lái)指導(dǎo)我的操作。在實(shí)習(xí)的幾周里,，他打印過(guò)我寫的一篇失主找回丟失已久的錢包的報(bào)道,，圈起了前兩段并放在我的桌子上。他在上邊寫到“細(xì)節(jié)精準(zhǔn)——太棒了,！”當(dāng)時(shí)我并不知道,，皮特也會(huì)成為我關(guān)系網(wǎng)中的一員。


At the end of the summer, I returned to The San Francisco Chronicle. My plan was to finish school — I was now a senior — while I worked for The Chronicle as a reporter for the city desk. But when The Post beckoned again, offering me a full-time, two-year paid internship that I could start when I graduated in June 2004, it was too tempting to pass up. I moved back to Washington.
夏天結(jié)束時(shí),，我回到了《舊金山紀(jì)事》,。我打算一邊完成學(xué)業(yè)——我已經(jīng)上大四了——一邊在《舊金山紀(jì)事》做地方新聞?dòng)浾摺６]報(bào)再次向召我回去,，他們給我提供了一份全職的,，2年帶薪實(shí)習(xí)工作,，而且可以等我2004年畢業(yè)后才開始。這是一次不容錯(cuò)過(guò)的機(jī)會(huì),，我于是搬回了華盛頓,。


about four months into my job as a reporter for The Post, I began feeling increasingly paranoid, as if I had “illegal immigrant” tattooed on my forehead — and in Washington, of all places, wher the debates over immigration seemed never-ending. I was so eager to prove myself that I feared I was annoying some colleagues and editors — and worried that any one of these professional journalists could discover my secret. The anxiety was nearly paralyzing. I decided I had to tell one of the higher-ups about my situation. I turned to Peter.
在郵報(bào)工作的前四個(gè)月，我開始變得多疑,，仿佛“非法移民”這幾個(gè)字就刺在我的額頭上——而在所有地方中,，華盛頓的關(guān)于移民的討論最為激烈，似乎是永無(wú)休止,。我是如此渴望證明自己,，以至于可能引起了一些同事和編輯的不滿——因此擔(dān)心這些專業(yè)記者會(huì)抓住我的秘密。這種擔(dān)心幾乎讓我無(wú)法工作,，我決定向某一位上級(jí)坦白,。我找到了皮特。


By this time, Peter, who still works at The Post, had become part of management as the paper’s director of newsroom training and professional development. One afternoon in late October, we walked a couple of blocks to Lafayette Square, across from the White House. Over some 20 minutes, sitting on a bench, I told him everything: the Social Security card, the driver’s license, Pat and Rich, my family.
此時(shí),，皮特還在郵報(bào)工作,，他已經(jīng)位居管理層，作為報(bào)社總監(jiān)負(fù)責(zé)新聞室的培訓(xùn)及職業(yè)發(fā)展,。在10月的一個(gè)下午,，我們一起步行至拉菲特廣場(chǎng)，途徑白宮,。我們坐在長(zhǎng)椅上,，大約過(guò)了20分鐘，我將一切告訴了他：社?？?，駕照，派特和理查,，還有我的家庭,。


Peter was shocked. “I understand you 100 times better now,” he said. He told me that I had done the right thing by telling him, and that it was now our shared problem. He said he didn’t want to do anything about it just yet. I had just been hired, he said, and I needed to prove myself. “When you’ve done enough,” he said, “we’ll tell Don and Len together.” (Don Graham is the chairman of The Washington Post Company; Leonard Downie Jr. was then the paper’s executive editor.) A month later, I spent my first Thanksgiving in Washington with Peter and his family.
皮特很震驚，他說(shuō)“我現(xiàn)在更理解你了,。”他告訴我把事情告訴他是對(duì)的,，那成了我們之間共同分擔(dān)的問(wèn)題。他說(shuō)他還不想對(duì)此做任何處理,，畢竟我剛被聘用,，需要證明自己。“當(dāng)你做得足夠好時(shí),，”他繼續(xù)說(shuō),，“我會(huì)一并告訴丹和里恩的。”（丹是華盛頓郵報(bào)公司的主席，里恩是報(bào)社的執(zhí)行編輯,。）一個(gè)月后,，我與皮特及其家人度過(guò)了我在華盛頓的第一個(gè)感恩節(jié),。


In the five years that followed, I did my best to “do enough.” I was promoted to staff writer, reported on video-game culture, wrote a series on Washington’s H.I.V./AIDS epidemic and covered the role of technology and social media in the 2008 presidential race. I visited the White House, wher I interviewed senior aides and covered a state dinner — and gave the Secret Service the Social Security number I obtained with false documents.
在接下來(lái)的5年里,，我盡可能的做到“足夠好。”我被提升為特派記者,，報(bào)道視頻游戲文化,，撰寫華盛頓的H.I.V./AIDS疫情的系列報(bào)道，和2008年總統(tǒng)大選時(shí)的科技與社會(huì)媒體的角色相關(guān)文章,。我還進(jìn)白宮采訪了高級(jí)幕僚,，并報(bào)道了國(guó)宴——我給美國(guó)特工處出示的社保號(hào)，還是我用偽證件拿到的,。


I did my best to steer clear of reporting on immigration policy but couldn’t always avoid it. On two occasions, I wrote about Hillary Clinton’s position on driver’s licenses for undocumented immigrants. I also wrote an article about Senator Mel Martinez of Florida, then the chairman of the Republican National Committee, who was defending his party’s stance toward Latinos after only one Republican presidential candidate — John McCain, the co-author of a failed immigration bill — agreed to participate in a debate sponsored by Univision, the Spanish-language network.
我盡量避免涉及移民政策的報(bào)道,，但總有躲不過(guò)的時(shí)候。這種時(shí)候有兩次,，一次是報(bào)道希拉里在非法移民的駕照問(wèn)題上的態(tài)度立場(chǎng),。還有一次是關(guān)于佛羅里達(dá)州議員梅爾馬蒂內(nèi)茲，也就是后來(lái)的共和黨主席,，他當(dāng)時(shí)在為共和黨關(guān)于拉美裔族群的立場(chǎng)進(jìn)行辯護(hù),。辯護(hù)對(duì)象是民主黨主席候選人——約翰麥凱恩，也就是被廢除的移民法案的聯(lián)合作者——當(dāng)時(shí)他同意參加的這場(chǎng)辯論是由美國(guó)西班牙語(yǔ)電視網(wǎng)發(fā)起的,。


It was an odd sort of dance: I was trying to stand out in a highly competitive newsroom, yet I was terrified that if I stood out too much, I’d invite unwanted scrutiny. I tried to compartmentalize my fears, distract myself by reporting on the lives of other people, but there was no escaping the central conflict in my life. Maintaining a deception for so long distorts your sense of self. You start wondering who you’ve become, and why.
這很古怪：我一方面在競(jìng)爭(zhēng)激烈的新聞室竭力突顯自己,，又擔(dān)心太招搖而招致不必要的關(guān)注。我試著擱置恐懼,，通過(guò)報(bào)道他人的生活來(lái)轉(zhuǎn)移自己的注意力,，但始終逃脫不掉我生活中的核心矛盾。持續(xù)的自我欺騙會(huì)扭曲你對(duì)自我的認(rèn)知,。你開始困惑自己變成了誰(shuí),，為什么。


In April 2008, I was part of a Post team that won a Pulitzer Prize for the paper’s coverage of the Virginia Tech shootings a year earlier. Lolo died a year earlier, so it was Lola who called me the day of the announcement. The first thing she said was, “Anong mangyayari kung malaman ng mga tao?”
2008年,，我作為報(bào)道一年前的弗吉尼亞槍擊事件的郵報(bào)團(tuán)隊(duì)一員,，獲得了普利策獎(jiǎng)。爺爺一年前去世了,，所以是奶奶在獲獎(jiǎng)公布的那天給我打的電話,。她說(shuō)的第一件事就是，“Anong mangyayari kung malaman ng mga tao?”


What will happen if people find out?
“人們要是發(fā)現(xiàn)了怎么辦,？”


I couldn’t say anything. After we got off the phone, I rushed to the bathroom on the fourth floor of the newsroom, sat down on the toilet and cried.
我說(shuō)不出話來(lái),。放下電話后，我沖進(jìn)四樓新聞室的廁所，坐在地板上哭,。


In the summer of 2009, without ever having had that follow-up talk with top Post management, I left the paper and moved to New York to join The Huffington Post. I met Arianna Huffington at a Washington Press Club Foundation dinner I was covering for The Post two years earlier, and she later recruited me to join her news site. I wanted to learn more about Web publishing, and I thought the new job would provide a useful education.
2009年夏天,，我還沒(méi)與郵報(bào)領(lǐng)導(dǎo)談過(guò)便離開了報(bào)社，搬到紐約加入了赫芬頓郵報(bào)（互聯(lián)網(wǎng)第一大報(bào)）,。兩年前,，我在華盛頓新聞俱樂(lè)部基金晚宴上做報(bào)道時(shí)遇見了阿里安娜赫芬頓，她邀請(qǐng)我加入她的新網(wǎng)站,。我想學(xué)到更多網(wǎng)絡(luò)媒體的知識(shí),，于是我想換一份新工作給自己一個(gè)學(xué)習(xí)的機(jī)會(huì)。


Still, I was apprehensive about the move: many companies were already using E-Verify, a program set up by the Department of Homeland Security that checks if prospective employees are eligible to work, and I didn’t know if my new employer was among them. But I’d been able to get jobs in other newsrooms, I figured, so I filled out the paperwork as usual and succeeded in landing on the payroll.
同樣,，我對(duì)這一行動(dòng)還是很擔(dān)憂：許多公司已經(jīng)開始采用國(guó)土安全部開發(fā)的E-Verify系統(tǒng),，用于審查擬招聘員工是否有工作資格。我不知道我的新公司是不是也使用這一系統(tǒng),。但我想如果不行的話我還可以去別的報(bào)社,，所以我填寫了表格，然后成功地進(jìn)入了公司,。


While I worked at The Huffington Post, other opportunities emerged. My H.I.V./AIDS series became a documentary film called “The Other City,” which opened at the Tribeca Film Festival last year and was broadcast on Showtime. I began writing for magazines and landed a dream assignment: profiling Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg for The New Yorker.
我在赫芬頓郵報(bào)工作期間,，其他機(jī)會(huì)悄然而至。我之前關(guān)于H.I.V./AIDS 的系列報(bào)道被改編成紀(jì)錄片“另一座城”,，上一年在翠貝卡電影節(jié)放映后還被Showtime節(jié)目報(bào)道過(guò),。我開始為雜志撰稿，并夢(mèng)想著下一個(gè)目標(biāo)：在《紐約客》上撰寫Facebook的馬克扎克伯格,。


The more I achieved, the more scared and depressed I became. I was proud of my work, but there was always a cloud hanging over it, over me. My old eight-year deadline — the expiration of my Oregon driver’s license — was approaching.
我獲得的越多,，就越害怕越壓抑。我為我的工作感到驕傲,，但頭頂上的烏云卻一直縈繞不散,。我的8年期限——俄勒岡駕照到期日——也正在逼近。


After slightly less than a year, I decided to leave The Huffington Post. In part, this was because I wanted to promote the documentary and write a book about online culture — or so I told my friends. But the real reason was, after so many years of trying to be a part of the system, of focusing all my energy on my professional life, I learned that no amount of professional success would solve my problem or ease the sense of loss and displacement I felt. I lied to a friend about why I couldn’t take a weekend trip to Mexico. Another time I concocted an excuse for why I couldn’t go on an all-expenses-paid trip to Switzerland. I have been unwilling, for years, to be in a long-term relationship because I never wanted anyone to get too close and ask too many questions. All the while, Lola’s question was stuck in my head: What will happen if people find out?
在赫芬頓郵報(bào)工作近一年后我決定離開,。因?yàn)槲蚁胄麄饕幌伦约旱募o(jì)錄片,，寫一本關(guān)于網(wǎng)絡(luò)文化的書——至少我是這么跟朋友們解釋的。但真正的原因是,，經(jīng)過(guò)這么多年努力的融入體制,，集中所有能量進(jìn)行專業(yè)工作，我發(fā)現(xiàn)無(wú)論事業(yè)多成功都不能解決我的問(wèn)題,，或減少我的失落和迷失感,。我騙朋友說(shuō)我周末去不了墨西哥了。連可以全程報(bào)銷的瑞士之旅,，我都編造借口說(shuō)去不了,。多年來(lái),，我都不愿與別人建立長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系，因?yàn)槲也幌Ｍ魏稳烁易咛?，?wèn)太多,。奶奶的問(wèn)題一直扎在我腦里：被別人發(fā)現(xiàn)了怎么辦？


Early this year, just two weeks before my 30th birthday, I won a small reprieve: I obtained a driver’s license in the state of Washington. The license is valid until 2016. This offered me five more years of acceptable identification — but also five more years of fear, of lying to people I respect and institutions that trusted me, of running away from who I am.
今年早些時(shí)候,，在我30歲生日兩周前,，我獲得一次“緩刑”：我取得了華盛頓的駕照，到期日是2016,。這讓我的那能被社會(huì)接受的身份又可以多活5年——但也將是充滿恐懼的5年,，充滿對(duì)我所尊敬和信任我的人的欺騙的5年,，一個(gè)逃避自我的5年,。


I’m done running. I’m exhausted. I don’t want that life anymore.
我受夠了逃避。我好累,。我不想再過(guò)那種生活了,。


So I’ve decided to come forward, own up to what I’ve done, and tell my story to the best of my recollection. I’ve reached out to former bosses­ and employers and apologized for misleading them — a mix of humiliation and liberation coming with each disclosure. All the people mentioned in this article gave me permission to use their names. I’ve also talked to family and friends about my situation and am working with legal counsel to review my options. I don’t know what the consequences will be of telling my story.
所以我決定站出來(lái)，說(shuō)出我所做的一切,，盡可能詳盡的記述自己的故事,。我已經(jīng)找前老板和前雇主們談過(guò)，為欺瞞誤導(dǎo)他們道歉——每一次坦白都交織著羞愧和解脫,。我在此文中提到的所有人,，都同意我使用的他們的真名。我還把自己的情況告訴給家人和朋友,，并正在與法律顧問(wèn)討論我的選擇權(quán)限,。我并不知道將自己的故事說(shuō)出來(lái)的后果會(huì)是什么。


I do know that I am grateful to my grandparents, my Lolo and Lola, for giving me the chance for a better life. I’m also grateful to my other family — the support network I found here in America — for encouraging me to pursue my dreams.
我只知道,，我很感激我的爺爺奶奶,，他們給了我一個(gè)獲得更好的生活的機(jī)會(huì)。我同樣感激我的其他家人——我在美國(guó)找到的支持我的人——是他們鼓勵(lì)我追求夢(mèng)想,。


It’s been almost 18 years since I’ve seen my mother. Early on, I was mad at her for putting me in this position, and then mad at myself for being angry and ungrateful. By the time I got to college, we rarely spoke by phone. It became too painful; after a while it was easier to just send money to help support her and my two half-siblings. My sister, almost 2 years old when I left, is almost 20 now. I’ve never met my 14-year-old brother. I would love to see them.
我已經(jīng)18年沒(méi)見過(guò)我的母親了,。原本我還在氣她把我置于如此境地，但過(guò)后又為自己動(dòng)怒和不知感恩而后悔,。在上大學(xué)前,，我們幾乎不通電話。因?yàn)槟翘纯嗔?。我發(fā)現(xiàn)只是寄錢回去資助她和我的兩個(gè)同母異父的弟妹,，對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)更容易做到。我的妹妹,，我離開的時(shí)候不到兩歲,，現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)快20了。我從沒(méi)見過(guò)我14歲的弟弟。我很想見到他們,。


Not long ago, I called my mother. I wanted to fill the gaps in my memory about that August morning so many years ago. We had never discussed it. Part of me wanted to shove the memory aside, but to write this article and face the facts of my life, I needed more details. Did I cry? Did she? Did we kiss goodbye?
不久前,，我給我母親打了電話。我想找回多年前那個(gè)8月的早晨的記憶空缺,。我們從沒(méi)談過(guò)此事,。我既想把這段記憶刪除，又想把它寫進(jìn)此文中,，以直面我的人生,，我需要更多細(xì)節(jié)。我當(dāng)時(shí)哭了嗎,？她哭了嗎,？我們有沒(méi)有吻別？


My mother told me I was excited about meeting a stewardess, about getting on a plane. She also reminded me of the one piece of advice she gave me for blending in: If anyone asked why I was coming to America, I should say I was going to Disneyland.
我母親告訴我,，我當(dāng)時(shí)很高興,，因?yàn)槟苌巷w機(jī)，還能見著空姐,。她還提醒我她當(dāng)時(shí)教我融入當(dāng)?shù)匾粋€(gè)方法：如果有人問(wèn)我為什么來(lái)美國(guó),，我就說(shuō)是奔著迪士尼來(lái)的。